There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
