it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
