I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
His nipple licking is glorious
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