she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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