I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i wish my penis had a tongue
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
