12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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