Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
