Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
