That's intense
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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