Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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