The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She even gives head with a lisp.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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