the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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