there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
