god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I understand Curling. That high.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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