so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
