I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize