glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
