im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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