I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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