She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
