she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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