just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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