Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
