so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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