I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
