If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
