I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize