her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
