Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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