He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
