Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
