This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
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