her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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