I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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