worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
