Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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