This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
