she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
