i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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