drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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