I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
