i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
