Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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