You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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