she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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