i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize