my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize