I just cut my nipple shaving
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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