I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
