I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
