I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
