how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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