drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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