Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
