Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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