So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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