I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
