Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Your mouth is God's brothel.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
