Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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