Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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