Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How does it feel to date your dad?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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