My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
