Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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