How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
